Turning Japanese?


Dreamless Sleep, Please

It's Thurdsay morning, and I still haven't slept much since Sunday. I don't have any trouble fallins asleep; I just keep waking up every hour or so, that guy's face in my mind. I only woke up once last night, but it was the worst nightmare yet. I kept dreaming the same image over and over. It was the guy in the car, gasping for air, bleeding from everywhere. Except it was David's face. I just stood there helplessly watching my love die. I wasn't even crying. I was just looking at him, saw his eyes glaze over wtih death. And I did nothing, my face was blank. No emotion. And I watched him die. Those images replayed in my dream about 5 times before I was lucky enough to wake up.
I got up and made a pot of coffee and smoked half a pack of cigarettes.
Why can't I get past this? I've been reminded by so many people that I'm a nurse and I should be able to handle death. The trick is handling the gruesome, bloody death. I've seen several people die in my career, but I'm not a first responder. By the time the patient gets to me, they're cleaned up and stable. No brains splattered everywhere. And it someone dies, it's usually pretty peaceful and we're all ready for it.
I just have to get past this. I have to sleep sooner or later or I'll lose my mind.